i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
