So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
