I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
