So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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