Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
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I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
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I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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