i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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