shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
