The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Pants are for mortals
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
