Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
