good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
