my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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