The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
