I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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