Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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