i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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