The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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