She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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