I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
