I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
