My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
