Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
