He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
