so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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