Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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