new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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