dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
