nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
