Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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