I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Someone came in the potted fern
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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