I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
