She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
