Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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