my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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