I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
