Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
be right there i have to get my cape
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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