I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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