Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
