i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
