So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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