not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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