last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
