It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
