We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My ass is underappreciated
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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