K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
