you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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