I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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