just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
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