You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
