So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
