a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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