What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
