Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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