I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i will never coherently bang her
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
