Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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