I'm going to jail i love you
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
