Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
